Softly Call the Muster

I woke up this morning, logged on, and the first thing I read was...

‎"Softly call the Muster, let comrade answer 'Here'..."

My heart sank, remembering that tonight Brandon's name will be called among hundreds of other Aggies. 

April 21st of each year, on the Anniversary of the Battle of San Jacinto, Aggies gather together, wherever they are, to commemorate fellow Aggies that have died during the year. The tradition was begun April 21st 1903 and remains one of the most powerful Aggie traditions alive today. 

As a student at ATM I participated in Aggie Muster one time, and I never went back. I didn't know a single person that passed away that year, but I cried through the entire thing as family members and friends answered 'here' for their loved ones that had passed away that year. Some had passed away from old age, some from war, some from tragic accidents. One girl my age had even passed away just days before in an accident in the parking garage. 

Why? Its the question that I continue to go back to over and over again. I will never understand. I will never come to terms or be ok with the fact that Brandon's name will be called tonight. I will never wake up and not wish he was here or go a day without thinking about him. I will never fully comprehend the necessity of loss in the grand scheme of things, and especially not at such a young age. I get the whole faith thing, I get trusting God and His big plan - trust me I get it, but I don't like it. 

This past week more than most I have felt the loneliness. The couple of times that I was sick Brandon would go to every length to make sure I was ok....he knew exactly how to take care of me - even when he was in the hospital needing to be taken care of. I find myself listening to the voicemails he left just checking on me, knowing that I wasn't feeling good, and his deepest desire was just to make me smile. For the first time in my life I had let down my guard, stopped pushing people away and let someone take care of me. If you know me, you know that everything in my nature goes against that. I'm a doer, a self starter, and generally I don't need anyone to help me with anything, but with Brandon it was different. I wanted him there, I wanted him to help me, I wanted him to take care of me. I would do anything for him to be here now, and instead I'm watching the clock count down the minutes until they will read his name off of a list of those who have passed with him this year.

When will this pass Lord? When will I find some small ounce of hope in the midst of this? When or will I ever comprehend the necessity of this? Why? Why him? Why this? Why now? Why?